You see I found out that my blood mother has cancer a couple of months ago and have since been updated that it is not good.Through messages and some people coming up and relaying messages, I had been told she wanted to see me. The day I went I took an officer to be on the safe side because I do not trust them at all. That only turned into I wanted to see you in hopes you would bring the kids. Oh the joy of life sometimes. I screwed up apparently in going to school and becoming a paralegal, having two kids and a loving family of my own. I was suppose to work in a factory and be sick like them I guess. Are you scratching your head like me right now? Apparently she has hopes of my kids being like them which is not cool for me at all. Not to mention they all talk to the man that raped me. Scratching you head again aren't you? I honestly do not know why I tried. I mainly wanted there to be no what if's/regrets if she passed on. Well now I have none. All I have is sadness once again and confusion. The more I see my kids grow the more I get confused. Some of the questions I have are:
How could you not love and want good for your child?
How could you ever want to hurt your child in any way?
Why do you hate me so much?
I look at my kids and want nothing but the best for them. I want to see them grow and go far in life. I would never want them in pain, suffering or wish misfortune upon them. I get so proud when they accomplish the smallest things. I am nothing like my blood family and I think I hated the way they were and are and made sure I never acted like them. I have God to thank for that. I have alot to be thankful and one awesome mom (Denise) that I have known since I was 15. She has always been there for me and I love being a part of her family. I still get frustrated and sometimes angry wondering why and how my blood family is like that and what I did so wrong in life. I have very little to none good memories with them.
I know God gives you situations in life for a reason and I do believe that mine was to make me who I am today and that I am glad for. A part of me will always wonder through why things and people are the way they are.
Sorry for the crappy post. All of this has been weighing on me and I thought maybe it would help to write it down.
If you are confused on what I am talking about you can click Here to learn about how I grew up.
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