The Person Behind the Blog

 First off,  please do not judge me when you read this I am nothing like these people and have not talked to them in years, thankfully. I do not opened up to many because I am just a private person for the most part. I hate people feeling sorry for me and I like being treated like just another person. I thought that maybe I could give you a summary of me and where I came from and who I have become so maybe you can understand me and why I am all about my family (the one I have now).

Here goes.

I was born December 21, 1984 to two people in Chester, IL. The earliest I can remember of my childhood is being 3 and even that is blurry. I remember my dad hitting my mom growing up and even me. My mother and I took many of beatings. My dad like to drink and even when he was not drinking he liked to hit and that is how he got his frustration out. Needless to say it was a house of fighting a lot and not happy. What did not help matters was when I was young my grandfather( my blood moms father) molested me from about the ages 3-6. I was six when he got caught by my grandmother (moms mom). Long story short he felt he did nothing wrong and has hated me every since. My mother hated me for losing her father for awhile and breaking up her mother and fathers marriage. My grandfather was sentenced to probation and has register as a sex offender. After this all came out my mother seemed to do what she could to get out of getting hit and beat and pass it on to me. I learned at an early age how to hide a bruise and make up stories for my bruises. I went to a Lutheran School in Chester for my education and I remember teachers talking to me and not believing the story I made up for my marks but I was to afraid to tell the truth and I believe they did not want to get involved. I went to church by myself to meet my quota to keep my tuition down and make the school happy. I would always take a journal with me and write in it and to this day I still have it. I have not opened in though that is one thing in detail I do not think I could handle at all again.

I remember sitting in church my 8th grade year and crying listing to the pastor preach and prayed that day to God for him to get me out of my situation. I would take what he gave me I just could not take it anymore. Well God does not always answer prays right away but he does at some point.  I tried to commit suicide a number of times and did not have any luck. I was even put in the hospital for awhile for trying and to get me away from my parents.  I stayed there for about three-four weeks and then was sent back home. I caught a break the middle of my freshman year. My father gave me a black eye that could not be hidden. My mother sent me to school that day anyway and needless to say the cops got involved thanks to a friend of mine. 

Looking back that might have been my mothers way of setting me free to get out of a situation she was not strong enough to get out of.  I was sitting at the police station crying and a cop came out, the same one that got called to my house a lot by the neighbors and looked at me and said, I know what is going on and I want to help you out of this, it may not be pretty but can you do this. I looked at him and said yes, knowing that whatever was next could be nice or ugly. 

DCFS got involved and the courts tried to have me stay with other family members but they none liked that and did not see anything wrong with what my father was doing. I was placed back in the home about three times and it was good at first and then it went back to the same old thing in the end even with the case worker coming and checking in. I was placed with a friend for awhile but her parents could not keep me forever. Then I was placed in a group home for awhile. I remember the state home having bars on the windows but it was like a vacation being away from my parents.

I was then placed with a neice of my mother.  I lived at this place for roughly a month. I got to experience the great outdoors when I was made to sleep outside a couple of times so her and her husband could well lets just say be intimate. I learned that dumpster food was not so bad and concrete hurt like heck to sleep on. They lived in the country so they had their own dumpster out at their house. Sounds gross I know but you do what you have to when you are hungry. That home again was temporary and the neice went on vacation to Las Vegas for a week and left me with her brother. That turned out to be more hell for me. He raped me three days in a row. I still have a mark from a wire he tied me to the bed with.  

My mothers mom ended up checking up on me and I told her what was happening she came and got me and made me promise not to say anything to anyone. She was embarrassed and said I must have done something to seduce him.  I was 14 or 15 at the time. I scrubbed my self until my skin bled I felt so disgusting. We never talked about it and I was told to keep my mouth shut and never talk about it. I learned early on in my family to not cry, suck it up and if I did cry I got beat and called weak. I was taught nobody cared about me and my problems were petty.

 Living with my grandmother for awhile (moms mother) was not fun but at least I was not getting beat day and night. My grandmother had cancer though and that was temporary until I was found a more permanent place to live. I helped take care of her when she was sick and had chemo. My grandmother was obsessed with weight though and I quickly learned how to throw up myself and what weight she wanted me to be. I was down to 100 lbs when I lived with her and if I gained she went crazy on me. I remember feeling so drained and so hungry all the time.

 I lived in a total of eight homes in one year and it was hell but I made it through it . I missed the other half of my freshman year due to my blood parents refusing to put me in school. Since they still had parental rights according to the law they had a say so. 

Finally I was found a home that is the lady I call mom now and took me in for the long haul.  I remember when they brought my parents into the counselling session that they were mandated by the court to pay for me to have and the councilor look at my dad and ask him to leave and then looked at my mother and told her one last time in front of me to take me, leave my father and the state would help her raise me and find a place away from my father. She looked at me and said no, she loved my father more. She knew that Denise (my godmother) would take good care of me and she was happy were she was at. I can never say how much those words crushed everything inside of me and haunt me to this day. 

 I was placed with Denise (my godmother) and her two kids and while it was not easy and I had a lot of issues from my past she stuck by me and loved me through the good and bad. My parents got to keep parental rights but signed away to ever see me again. They called and talked to me to put me down and put down anything positive I had to say. I remember Denise saying she hated when they called cause I would shut everyone out for days. Denise had the restaurant then and I went to work with her whenever I could on the weekends. I worked 15 hour days but I was happy being busy and able to spend time with someone who cared. Denise had a boyfriend though who was an alcoholic and treated us all like crap. He never hit any of us but he was an butt towards us kids and hated spending time with us. 

 After living with Denise for almost three years and finding out I was not going to be able to graduate with my class in 2003 I decided to move out on my own and drop out of school. I dropped out, got an apartment and worked two jobs until I met Vince at a gas station in 04 and we started dating. After dating for awhile he helped me get my GED and helped me to get the strength to walk away from my whole blood family and  look forward. My blood family wanted me to be like them and hated when I went to college. I got several calls and visits and they hated the idea.  I tried to make things work and have a relationship with my blood family and every time I got burned. So one day I walked away and never looked back. Call it what you want but my life has been awesome since. I have no drama and a very loving and supportive husband. 

Since all of this my blood parents have tried to talk with my family and want a relationship with my kids and we have said no. My blood parents found out about the rape and I found out about a year ago that the guys (my moms nephew) , my grandfather(my moms dad) and all of them are very close and good friends. We avoid all of them at all costs. My blood parents have even told us they just want to know the kids so maybe they can be like them when they grow up. No thank you. As you can see, that is definitely not normal behavior.

Since all of this I have an Associates Degree and work in a law office.  I love me job!! I also have started recently working with kids at our church who do not have the easiest life and just want someone to listen and care.  I love to read, craft, camp and try new things. I have two kids, as you can see and my relationship with my mom (Denise) is better then ever. My kids know Denise and her boyfriend now as Grandma and Grandpa and Vince's parents who I am close to as well.  I am big on family and keeping is all in touch and close.  Except for my blood family, I never want to be close to them. 

 I know what is like for life to change in a heart beat and it is scary.  I live and cherish every moment I have with my family now and never want to look back.  That is a part of my life I want the book to stay closed on and not reopen. Whats done is done. 

Anyway, that is my story and thanks for taking the time to read. Sometimes life is not pretty and all roses and fairy tales, but it is life and I take the good with the bad and go with it.